Ship-breaker, rain-waker
Gray-green goddess, dark and light
Life-taker, music-maker
Kiss by day and kill by night.
Passion, anger, love and fire
Liquid temptress clad in blue
An object of terror and desire
Thousands would die and have died for you.
Calm, serenity, peace and love
A watery meadow beneath the sky
Gazing at the clouds above
Where the breezes blow and the sea gulls fly.
Bliss and heartbreak, joy and woe
The vast expanse of endless time
So many wondrous things you know
Too beautiful for mortal minds.
O rolling sea! What would I give
For us to be together
To truly love and truly live
In your mystic arms forever.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
Beautiful poem! Good contrast, and mysterious too.
Really, very, very good.
Only critique would be the change in rhythm at the ends of stanzas 2 and 3. It slows it down and means that the crescendo of pace you were building up with the previous lines is a bathos.
Maybe 'Where breezes blow and gulls fly'?, and 'Thousands perish for you'? I don't know whether they fit in, but it keeps the flow.
Loving the imagery, especially 'KIss by day, kill by night'. A great ending to the first stanza.
Loving this, keep writing, so I can keep complimenting!
Sday (Y)
You really paint a picture of the sea. Wow, I must say this was an awesome poem! Now I want to go to the ocean! ^_^
I agree with Bittersweet that it was beautiful and magical. It truly was!
I can't wait to see more of your works in the future! Keep writing!
Becca ^_^
Holy cow. Good flow, imaginary and heart. I could feel the meadow beneathe the sky and i could see the sea-gulls flying. Good use of adjectives and nouns.
Praise:
*the imaginary. Excellent.
*the flow. Very important and tricky, but you mastered it.
*the heart;snap! That felt like i read it FROM your heart!
Please, keep writing. This was extraordinary. LOVED IT!
Nice nice nice! This was an excellent poem. Your words are beautiful and (oh, this sounds cheesy, but) magical. They weave together nicely, and create lovely pictures in the reader's mind.
This line, though...
...disrupts the flow in that line. It's kind of short when you say it out loud. Maybe do add something like "the" or "an" to the beginning of it. Say it out loud without it and say it with one of those. It sounds much better with, but even then is a little choppy. I think if you threw out the "and" in there and put a comma, it'd sound nice.
That's all I really have to say. Excellent excellent job! I shall enjoy reading some more of your work in the future.
Holly
Yes I agree with both Gahks and Rebirth. A marvellous poem about the sea. Your poetic voice seems strangely well developed for someone of your age. That's a good thing, by the way! Of course, as always there are things you could develop on. For me the rhyming took a lot of work reading. Instead of adding to the fluidity of the piece it distracted my attention away from the imagery; and so I had to go back and read it twice. Just be careful that you don't get carried away with the rhyme- it can kill a poem's spirit.
Other than that, I had no problems with it. My favourite line(s) had to be:
Oh, and don't forget punctuation.
Eimear
Wow, what an excellent use of imagery. Your poem is really like painting a picture of the sea with words. I love the ocean/sea too. One of my hobbies is sea fishing but sadly, I haven't got the chance to go fishing for a long time.
Wow! An excellent poem.
I adored your use of imagery (especially your use of apostrophe: that was a stroke of genius). Your style shares something of Wordsworth. Your rhythm was fantastic, the description was evocative and I really sensed the passion the speaker has for the sea. Do you live near the coast?
Couple of things:
Perhaps "Kisser by day and killer by night"?
By far the biggest flaw in your poem is the lack of punctuation. Had you proofread this, I might have given you a perfect ten. Oh well: it was great anyway.
Your talent is clearly evident: keep writing!
9.5/10